Eight ways to say I love you
by seaunicorn
Summary: Beth tries to tell Alison how she feels
1. Chapter 1

_1. Spit it into her voicemail, a little slurred and sounding like the shot whiskey you downed for courage. Feel as ashamed as you do walking into work in last night's clothes. Wake up cringing for days, waiting for her to mention it._

"Maybe you should head home for the night, get some sleep," Art says. "We can pick up here in the morning."

Beth shakes her head furiously and takes another sip of coffee. "No, no, no, I just need ten more minutes," she says. "I know I can figure this out!"

"Beth, you said that two hours ago."

"So?"

Art takes the coffee mug from her hands and closes the case file. "Go home."

"But—" He glares and she closes her mouth, knowing better than to argue with him when he gets that look. "Fine," Beth agree bitterly. "But don't have any revelations without me!" She grabs her coat and gives Art a glare before leaving.

"I'll do my best not to!" Art calls after her as she walks out of the station.

Beth groans and fumbles with your car keys. It takes her three tries before she finally gets the door unlocked. She wasn't going to admit it but maybe she does need some sleep. This case was a bitch and she hadn't talked to Alison in over a week. She did say she was going to be busy, but Beth still missed talking to her. She hadn't even seen her since last month when she passed out in her basement after more than a few drinks. But Beth misses her and the way she feels when Alison's arms are wrapped around her, and her comforting whispers in your ear, and the way she smiles.

But Alison has been busy at home, and Beth has been overwhelmed working on this _damn_ case and hasn't had time to think.

Beth struggles to keep her eyes open; now that she's not working, her lack of sleep creeps up on her. _When was the last time I slept?,_ she thinks. She couldn't even remember. It's been at least two days.

When she pulls up at home a few minutes later, Paul is gone. She has no idea where he goes anymore so she had stopped questioning it a while ago. Beth pulls her pink phone out of her purse, checking for messages. Update from Cosima. Katja booked a flight for the end of next month. Nothing from Alison in two days. Even if she didn't call, she would usually send a message just to check in. Beth frowns. She quickly types out a message:

"Hey, haven't heard from you in a few days. Hope everything's ok. –B"

She knows Alison is probably fine, but she can't help but worry. Beth pours herself a drink.

Alison has been the only good thing to come out of this whole clone situation. When she gets too stressed, too overwhelmed, she just thinks of Alison. She thinks of the sound of her voice and the smell of her hair. Beth knows the way she feels about her is wrong, so wrong, they're _clones_ for god's sake!

But that doesn't stop her from feeling anything. She pours herself another drink.

Not only are they _fucking_ clones but Beth has a boyfriend and Alison has a husband so she shouldn't want to kiss her but she _does_ want to, every single time Alison smiles.

Beth checks her phone. No new messages. She finishes the rest of her drink and dials Alison's number on the pink phone.

"Hey Ali, it's me. Um… fuck, I just... I haven't heard from you in a while. I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

Beth hesitates. She doesn't know how long she says nothing without hanging up, but eventually, a few words slip from her mouth. "I love you, Alison." She clicks her phone to end the call. "Fuck."

Beth blames it on the alcohol, but pours herself another drink anyway.

And another.

And another.

And then she wakes up on the couch with a splitting headache and no recollection of anything that happened after the third drink.

She checks her pink phone to find that apparently she called Alison two more times. "Shit," Beth mutters. And then she notices the time to find that she's going to be late to work so she brushes her teeth, sprays some febreeze on herself, pops a few pills in her mouth, and heads to work in the same clothes she wore yesterday.

Art obviously notices the moment she walks through the door. "Damn, Beth. Too tired to change?"

Beth nods. "Got home and passed out on the couch," she lies easily. "I guess I did need some sleep."

Art looks away momentarily so Beth takes the chance to check her pink phone for messages. Nothing. She tries to work, but there's a lingering panic in the back of her head all day.

When Beth gets in her car after work, her phone rings. She almost has a heart attack before looking at the caller ID and not seeing Alison's number on the screen. In fact, it's a phone number she doesn't even recognize. Beth hesitates, wondering whether or not she should answer. She gives in to curiosity alone.

"Hello?"

"Beth! Thank god you answered!"

"Alison? Are you okay?" Beth is surprised, worried, concerned and doesn't know which emotion to start with.

"I'm fine," Alison reassures. "It's just that Oscar accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet."

Beth laughs, surprised. "Well that explains the new number. How the hell did that even happen?!"

Alison sighs and Beth smiles because she's missed that sound. "I don't even know. He was going through my purse and liked the pink case?"

"I told you pink was a bad idea," Beth jokes. And then she remembers. Last night, the alcohol, the voicemails. "Um, Alison…did you get my message?" she asks hesitantly.

"No," she answers. "All the messages were destroyed along with the phone. Why, was it something important?"

Beth opens her mouth, and pauses to think. "Nope. Just checking in, I hadn't heard from you in a while."

She can hear the smile in Alison's voice as she speaks. "Well that was very sweet of you. I miss you, Beth."

"Miss you too, Ali."


	2. Chapter 2

_2. Sigh it into her mouth, wedged in between teeth and tongues. Don't even let your lips move when you say it, ever so lightly, into the air. Maybe it was just an exhalation of ecstasy._

Alison clears her schedule for a night when Donnie's out of town and she has Aynsley watch the kids. Even though Alison's the only one home, Beth still taps lightly on the back door, because she knows that's where Alison will be waiting.

And sure enough, Alison is there with two glasses of wine on the coffee table and the rest of the bottle next to them.

Beth sheds her coat and sits next to Alison on the couch. She takes a sip of wine before downing the rest of the glass. Alison quickly fills it up again. Beth mutters a quick, "Thanks," and before she knows it, she's finished a third glass of wine and she can't keep the words from spilling out of her mouth. She complains about work, about Paul, about clones, about everything.

And Alison just listens. She's really good at that, listening. It's one of the things Beth loves about her. Beth on the other hand is a terrible listener. She's more of a visual person. She notices things. She notices when Alison's hand moves from sitting in her own lap to Beth's lap. She notices Alison's cheeks growing more flushed with each glass of wine. She notices the way Alison's gaze often slips down to her lips, or sometimes even a little further down. And she definitely notices how Alison has been slowly inching closer to her on the couch and was now practically in her lap.

She is so close, the only comfortable place for Beth to put her arm is around Alison. Her hair tickles Beth's neck whenever she moves her head and her breath is warm on Beth's cheek and it would be so easy to just turn her head and…no. Beth couldn't do that.

But Alison pours her another glass of wine, they've lost count at this point but have moved on to a second bottle, and normally Beth is excellent at holding her liquor but Alison being this close is so intoxicating that she feels much more drunk than she actually is.

It's not Beth who makes the first move, though.

They've moved on from complaining to just mindless chatting. And then neither of them says anything for a while. Alison leans her head on Beth shoulder, moving closer if that's even possible at this point. She leans in, her lips graze lightly across the skin of Beth's neck.

Beth lets out a shaky breath. "Alison," she says softly.

Alison's lips move higher, dancing along her jaw. Beth's eyes flutter shut.

"Ali," she gasps. "What are you doing?"

"Shhh." Alison moves her mouth to Beth's ear where she whispers. "Don't think about it, ok? Trust me."

Beth nods, and Alison closes her eyes. She kisses more firmly now, leaving a trail from her ear and soon her lips are on Beth's and the world freezes for a moment. Beth doesn't breathe, but she hopes and prays that this is real and that she didn't pass out and start dreaming. Alison tentatively brings a hand to Beth's cheek and this is all the consent Beth needs.

Suddenly, nothing is slow or hazy anymore as Beth wraps her arms around Alison's waist and pulls her closer. Their lips don't really fit together but that's just some stupid cliché anyway because nothing is perfect and this is far, far from perfect, but Beth really doesn't give a damn because Alison's lips are heavenly and her breath is a symphony and her hands are setting Beth's skin on fire with every touch.

Alison kisses her fiercely and their teeth clash painfully and their tongues soothe the ache; it's exhilarating and breathtaking and Beth can't get enough. And maybe it's the wine or maybe it's the ecstasy but three words slip from Beth's mouth.

"I love you," she sighs against Alison's lips.

Alison suddenly pulls back. Her hair is disheveled and her lips are swollen and her cheeks are red; Beth thinks she's never looked more beautiful.

"You what?"

Beth doesn't know what to say. She didn't realize she had said that out loud. So instead, she does the only thing she can think of and pulls Alison in for another kiss. Alison forgets all about it and soon enough, instead of asking questions, she's moaning Beth's name.


	3. Chapter 3

_3. Buy her flowers. Buy her chocolate. Buy her a teddy bear, because that's what every romantic comedy has taught you. Take her out to a nice restaurant where neither of you feel comfortable and spend the whole night clearing your throat and tugging at your tie. Feel like your actions are more suited to a proposal than the simple confession of something you've always known._

The one thing Beth Childs wants more than anything in the world is to take Alison out on a proper date. Alison deserves to get dressed up and go to a nice restaurant or spend an evening at the theater to see a musical or go to an art exhibit. Some fancy shit like that. But Beth can't do that for her, for obvious reasons, so she settles for cooking her dinner.

Beth slaves away the whole day cooking and cleaning, and thank god Paul's not home, otherwise he'd be asking her all sorts of questions she wouldn't want to answer. But soon enough the flat is spotless and the chicken alfredo is done and the chocolate cake is in the oven and Alison should be there in twenty minutes. Probably sooner, considering Alison always likes to arrive early.

Beth wears a simple off-shoulder black dress and black heels to match. Her hands shake as she opens the oven. _Why are you so nervous, Childs?_ she asks herself. _It's just Alison_.

It's Alison.

That's the problem.

Alison is… _special_ and Beth wants everything to be perfect for her because Alison deserves the best.

Then there's a knock at the door and Beth almost drops the cake, but she relaxes and sets the cake down safely on the counter before going to answer the door.

And there's Alison looking beautiful as ever with a coat over her pastel pink gown and her hair up in a delicate bun. She smiles and Beth thinks she looks radiant.

Beth can't help but stare. "God, you're beautiful."

Alison smiles, and then clears her throat a few seconds later as Beth continues to stare.

"Come in," Beth says, and steps back to let her through the door. "I hope you like pasta, because… that's all I know how to make."

"It smells delicious, Beth," Alison says.

Beth leads Alison to the table and pulls out a chair for her. Alison sits, and Beth lights a candle, and serves them both.

"So what did you tell Donnie?" Beth asks.

"I told him I'm spending the night with my mother," Alison replies. "They don't get along so he won't call her. What about Paul?"

Beth shrugs. "I never know where he goes anymore. He just tells me how long he'll be gone."

"I'm sorry." Alison reaches across the table to take Beth's hand.

Beth smiles, and suddenly pulls her hand away and gets up. "Wait! I almost forgot." She disappears into her bedroom and comes back a few seconds later with a bouquet of flowers. "These are for you."

"Oh, Beth," Alison gasps. She gets up and throws her arms around Beth, holding her tightly. "Beth this is amazing."

"Don't say that yet, you haven't tried my cooking."

Alison rolls her eyes. "I mean it. Why are you doing all this?"

Their eyes meet and Beth opens her mouth, "Because I…" _Because I love you. Just say it._ She hesitates. "Because you're special, Alison." _Damn it, Childs._

But apparently that was the right thing to say because Alison leans up (she had opted for flats while Beth was in her heels) and kisses her softly.

"Come on," she says, "let's eat."

It takes a moment for Beth to wipe the dazed, giddy grin off her face.


	4. Chapter 4

_4. Whisper it into her hair in the middle of the night, after you've counted the space between her breaths and are certain she's asleep. Shut your eyes quickly when she shifts toward you in askance. Maybe you were just sleep whispering._

Beth can't remember the last time she was as content as she is right now, curled up in bed with her arms wrapped around Alison's waist, their legs tangled together under the sheets, counting the space between her breaths. She looks so peaceful, asleep in Beth's arms, and there's a small smile unconsciously gracing her lips. It makes Beth smile.

With Alison in her arms she forgets about Paul and Donnie and clones and all the other shit the universe has thrown at her lately. She wants to stay here forever.

And she wants to say those words that she couldn't say earlier.

"Alison?" she whispers. "Ali, are you awake?"

No response. Alison continues her evenly spaced breathing and Beth knows that she's asleep.

So she leans in a little closer and softly kisses Alison's neck and whispers the words into her hair.

"I love you."

Alison shifts a little in her sleep and Beth shuts her eyes quickly. But Alison stays asleep and Beth sighs in relief and holds her just a little tighter.


	5. Chapter 5

_5. Blurt it out in the middle of an impromptu dance party in the kitchen, as clumsy as your two left feet. When time seems to freeze, hastily tack on "in that shirt" or "when you make your award-winning meatballs" or, if you are feeling particularly brave, "when we do this." Resume dancing and pretend you don't feel her eyes on you the rest of the night._

Alison calls Beth one morning in a panic because she had forgotten to bake cookies for the neighborhood monthly potluck and won't have time to bake all those cookies by tomorrow. Donnie's at work and the kids are at school so she arrives on the back porch twenty minutes later with a grocery bag full of ingredients.

"Elizabeth, you are a lifesaver!"

"I know."

Alison turns on the radio in the kitchen and the baking begins. The kitchen isn't really Beth's area, and as much as Alison tries to help her, she still ends up with egg on her shirt and flour in her hair. But then she gets a bit of cookie dough on her cheek and Alison licks it off and she doesn't really care.

They're able to get _most _of the dough onto baking sheets and Alison sticks them in the oven.

"Well, now the hard part is done," she says with a smile.

"Yeah and now it's the boring part," Beth replies.

Alison glares, but then she hears what's playing on the radio. "Ooh, I love this song!" she exclaims. She turns up the volume and starts dancing. Beth grins as she watches Alison jump and sway her hips and wave her arms in the air. Alison gestures for Beth to join her.

"Oh, no Ali, I don't—" Before she can finish her sentence, Alison grabs her wrist and pulls her closer and forces Beth to dance with her. Beth's got two left feet and trods on Alison's toes more than once but eventually she gets into it. Soon enough they're both laughing and smiling and moving together. This is the most fun Beth's ever had dancing. The glint in Alison's eyes and the grin on her face make the words tumble out of Beth's mouth before she knows what she's thinking and mid-laugh she just blurts it out: "I love you!"

And suddenly time freezes. The music on the radio sounds distant. Beth's heart begins pounding in her ears. She can't read the look on Alison's face, and that terrifies her. So before she can gage out Alison's reaction, Beth hastily tacks on, "In that shirt!"

Alison blinks. She doesn't know what she expected, but that pause made her think…

Before she can linger on that moment any longer, Beth swings her around again, laughing, pretending like nothing happened. But Alison knows better. Beth may be good at putting up a front but Alison has gotten much better at seeing through it.

Beth pretends not to notice Alison's curious gaze on her the rest of the morning.


	6. Chapter 6

_6. Write her a letter in which the amount of circumnavigating and angst could rival Mr. Darcy's. Debate where to leave it all day – on her pillow? In her coat pocket? Throw it away in frustration, conveniently leaving it face up in the trashcan, her name scrawled on the front in your sloppy handwriting. Let her wonder if you meant it._

Beth's not really sure what they are. She knows how she feels but she can't be sure how Alison feels. Beth has a boyfriend and Alison has a husband so they can't really be anything, can they?

But she knows she likes being with Alison. And she likes talking to Alison. And she likes kissing Alison.

Beth knows she is in love with Alison Hendrix, and she doesn't know what to do about it.

So she lets out her emotions in the only way she knows how: she writes.

She starts with all the clichés, "you take my breath away," "I feel more alive when I'm with you," "I've never known anyone like you," and all that crap. And then she crumbles up the page and tosses it in the trash. "Stupid," she mutters under her breath.

Then, Beth gets a fresh sheet of paper. She writes about the first time they kissed. How she didn't want to initiate it but didn't want it to stop. How she had been dreaming about that moment. Beth writes about how Alison makes her feel, how it's different than it is with Paul. Alison is supportive and caring and sweet and how Beth would give her the world if she could because that's what she deserves. Beth writes how she actually feels something when she's with Alison.

She writes, _I love you, Alison. I love you more than I can even begin to understand myself. I can only hope that you return a fraction of that. I love you._

And then she signs her name at the bottom.

She folds it up and puts it in an envelope and hastily scrawls Alison's name on the front. Then Beth drives all the way over to Scarborough. She sits in her car, parked across the street from Alison's quaint little home. Does she put it on the door? No, someone else could see it there. In the mailbox, then? No, Donnie might open it. The back door? Her kids could see it.

There's no way to do this.

Beth sighs heavily and drives home.

She sets the letter in the trash.

Later that night, Alison comes over. She brings leftover cookies from the potluck. They share a few cookies and a glass of wine. Alison throws away her napkin and that's when she sees the envelope in the trash with her name traced upon it in Beth's delicate handwriting. She asks for another glass of wine and when Beth turns away to pour it, Alison snatches the letter out of the trash.

Alison waits until she gets home. She waits for Donnie and the kids to go to sleep before she looks at the envelope again. She goes downstairs, into her craft room, and opens it. It's pages of Beth's writing, to her, about her.

Alison finishes reading the letter, tears in her eyes, and wonders why it was in the trash.


	7. Chapter 7

_7. Wait until something terrible has happened and you can't not tell her anymore. Wait until she almost gets hit by a car crossing Wabash against the light and after you are done cursing at the shit-for-brains cab drivers in this city, realize you are actually just terrified of living without her. Tell her with your hands shaking._

It's been a slow day at the station, so when 6 PM slowly starts to creep up, Beth packs up her purse, ready to dart out of there as soon as it's time to clock out. That is, until Art comes up behind her.

"Do you wanna drive or you want me to drive?" he says, waving the keys.

"We get a call?" Beth asks with a groan.

Art laughs. "What, you got somewhere to be?"

"No, I'm just tired. I was about to go home," Beth says. She sighs, but gets up to follow him anyway. "Your turn to drive, dipshit." She grabs her gun and follows Art to his car. "What is it this time?"

"Hit and run."

"Hit and run? That's not our department!" Beth could be on her way home and on her way to a glass of wine, and maybe she'd call Alison tonight. Instead she would have to deal with this.

"We have to determine whether it was an intentional hit, or if the guy just panicked and left," Art clarifies.

Beth rolls her eyes. "Whatever."

They pull up across the street from the flashing lights where the ambulance hand already arrived. That's when she sees it: the beat-up red minivan. It usually wasn't beat-up, but she would recognize that minivan anywhere. Beth jumps out of the car and runs across the street. She gets there just in time to see the paramedics carry a stretcher with an unconscious Alison into the back of the ambulance. "Ali," she whispers.

And Beth realizes in that moment that her whole world is in the back of that ambulance.

Art doesn't catch up until the doors are closed and the ambulance starts to drive away. "I thought you weren't thrilled about this case?"

Beth quickly blinks away the tears and puts on her work façade. "I just figured, the quicker we get it done, the quicker I can get home. Any witnesses?"

Art points to the sidewalk where a few people are sitting.

Beth struggles to keep her head on the job when they talk to the witnesses. It doesn't take long to get what they need because one of them has a photographic memory and recites the license plate number which is all they need to find the bastard who did this to Alison. Art says he'll take the plate number back to the station and run it. They'll find the guy tomorrow.

Instead of going home, Beth rushes to the nearest hospital.

"Where can I find Alison Hendrix?" she asks the receptionist.

The receptionist eyes her warily. "You family?"

"I'm her…cousin," Beth lies.

The receptionist gives her a room number and she rushes upstairs. Alison is out of surgery, thank god, but hasn't woken up yet. Donnie is there with Oscar and Gemma, so Beth sits in the back corner of the nearest waiting room and hides her face behind a magazine that she doesn't care about.

Beth doesn't know if Alison's family will actually leave anytime soon, but she waits anyway.

She doesn't know how long she waits, but the kids have school in the morning and it gets late, so eventually Donnie takes them home to put them to bed. As soon as they're out of sight, Beth takes the opportunity to dart into Alison's room. She's still asleep, but she's stable.

Beth doesn't know why she's here. She doesn't know if Alison would even want her here. But seeing her in the back of that ambulance was the most terrifying moment of Beth's life.

She takes Alison's hand delicately in her own and just holds it. The tears come spilling down her face.

"I'm sorry, Ali," Beth sobs. "I'm so sorry."

The doctors will probably come in to check on her any second so Beth doesn't have much time. She wipes away the tears and places a soft kiss on Alison's forehead.

"I love you, Alison," she whispers, and disappears from the room.

Alison doesn't wake up until the next morning. She's greeted by Donnie with bouquets of flowers and get well soon cards from the kids. But there's also a single rose sitting on her bedside table with no explanation. She doesn't have to ask who it's from.


	8. Chapter 8

_8. Say it deliberately, your tongue a springboard for every syllable. Over coffee, brushing your teeth side-by-side, as you turn off the light to go to sleep – it doesn't matter where. Do not adorn it with extra words like "I think" or "I might." Do not sigh heavily as if admitting it were a burden instead of the most joyous thing you've ever done. Look her in the eyes and pray, heart thumping wildly, that she will turn to you and say, "I love you too."_

It's been a week since Alison's accident and Beth hasn't seen her since then. But Alison needs to be with her family right now. At least, that's what Beth tells herself. Alison doesn't need her. Nobody ever needs her.

God this week has been rough. She's started taking a new prescription, along with all her other ones. Probably not the best idea, but it gets her through the day.

But then her pink phone rings and it's Alison. "Hey," she says.

"Hi," Beth breathes, and she won't admit it, but simply the sound of Alison's voice is comforting.

"I haven't heard from you in a while." It's not a question.

"I know," Beth says. "I thought you'd want to be with your family while you're recovering."

"Can I see you?" Alison asks. The question catches Beth off guard.

"What, tonight?" Beth asks.

"Yeah."

"I can come by after work," she says.

"Thanks," Alison replies. They say goodbye and hang up.

The conversation is tense and awkward with so many things left unsaid on both ends.

The rest of the day drags on as Beth anxiously awaits her chance to clock out and go see Alison. She has missed Alison so much. She's missed her face, and her voice, and her touch.

When she's finally off work, Beth drives straight to Alison's house. She parks a block away, like she always does, and taps softly on the back door.

Alison immediately opens the door as if she'd been waiting there since their phone call. Beth doesn't give her the chance to let her inside or say anything. She knows what she has to do.

Beth meets Alison's gaze and says the words she's been terrified of. She says them firmly and proudly, appreciating every syllable and every letter that rolls off her tongue.

"I love you, Alison."

As soon as the words leave her mouth she feels…lighter, as if it's the most true thing she's ever said.

Alison stares at her, open-mouthed, as words have escaped her. Beth tries to smile, but her heart pounds nervously in her ears. But suddenly Alison's lips are on her own and she kisses her passionately and Beth lets tears fall that she didn't realize were there as she kisses back.

The kiss breaks briefly so Alison can say, "I love you too, Beth," and then their mouths are useless for speaking again as they continue to kiss. Beth says it again and again as if trying to prove that it's true. She says it repeatedly. "I love you," she sighs the words into Alison's mouth. Mutters them against her lips. Whispers them across her skin.

They fall onto the couch together and Beth has never been happier. She knows this euphoria won't possibly last long, but for now, tangled in Alison's arms and claimed by her lips, it's enough.


End file.
